Makes so much sense, yet it is considered a 'old way' of thinking. This is the reason why relationship lasted as long as they did back then. Sadly, just as mentioned, with all the 'new' philosophy through social media, etc. it is not being implemented or taught, and we do not seem to recognize that some of the 'old' stuff we have to hold on to. I find it interesting how as a society we claim we care about everyone yet we don't use the tolls that are actually required to do so.
Yeah I think we as a society have just really been rewired through sensationalism from news and social media. Nuance and cognitive dissonance don’t sell, so we are exposed to nothing but extremes and in the time the art of discernment and seeing the world as complex and nuanced fades away.
I have faith that the pendulum is starting to swing back the other way. People are starting to understand what got us here. Students are beginning to see how lonely a world has been created from the constant integration of phones and technology. It will be a painfully slow return, but I’m hopeful that’s the path we’re heading down at least.
Fuck...this is EXACTLY what I was contemplating and about to write about. Holding two things at once. Excitement and Overwhelm in a time of massive shift.
And I'm just now discovering Ted Lasso and binge-watching it while processing the loss of a dream of a relationship that seemed to hold all within it. I haven't yet reached this episode, and I imagine that something will happen that I will watch it today...
Thank you so much for voicing this and letting go of the fucking goal of collecting fucking golden stars. EXACTLY what I'm doing, being, and whatever the fuck I'm doing right now.
I love this! And please do still write that piece about holding two things at once! The world fucking needs every teacher they can get highlighting the power of Both/And. We are living in a world absolutely deprived of nuance and need people like you leading the charge in showing there is a better way. ❤️🙏🏼
I think you’re pointing at something deeper than a mindset. This is closer to a practice.
A therapist once told me: replace “but” with “and.”
“I’m happy to be with you AND I don’t like what you’re doing.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald said it more broadly:
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”
What makes that intelligence integrative—as you put it, “a place of wholeness rather than fragmentation”—is action.
Ted Lasso didn’t just think it.
He said it.
To his mother.
That’s what makes it real.
And because she met him there, they both became more integrated in that moment.
That’s rare. Most people stop at thinking. That’s where fragmentation stays.
This was such a useful message. It language to some seemingly oxi-moronic experiences in my life, where it can't exactly say that is was bad or good because it was both, all mixed together. I appreciate this message.
Yeah, I think there is so much power in being able to hold both. I went through an incredibly painful divorce in 2018, and while so many aspects of it were absolutely miserable…it is also probably the single greatest inflection point in my life. It led to SO much freakin’ good. And I’m forever grateful. Life is weird like that. 🙃
Needed this perspective. I've always been trying to label my relationships with my family and friends. Turns out it's okay to carry, as you said, both gratitude and fury.
That can be a heavy weight to burden. Because there is good and bad in almost every relationship. I’ve been wrestling with the exact tension for years with a close friend, there is both big anger and resentment, and eternal gratitude for what we had. It doesn’t solve the problem, but it allows us to approach it from a place of wholeness. ❤️🙏🏼
This is so true. We’ve all been the hero and the villain in someone’s story. Everyone will wound their kids, no matter how hard they try. That manager may have made you the best salesperson ever, and still been a creep. People, life, is multifaceted.
Are you speaking to the part of yourself that carried unresolved love and pain simultaneously? And how do you hold the space where appreciation and resistance sit together, without collapsing into one or overriding the other?
Absolutely. The absolute gut wrenching painful seasons I’ve endured became the single most important inflection points in my life. Without that pain I would never be the person I am today.
You hold both through gratitude and curiosity. Bringing an awareness of where you’ve been alongside your desires for where you wish to be.
So spot on! I would love to say this to every asshole I have had the displeasure of working for. Although I may lean towards the fuck you mostly if I am being honest. The abuse that goes on in the workplace is akin to the abuse some of us had growing up with disengaged, absent and/or narcissistic parents and caregivers. Everyone brings their wounded child to work and it's a shit show of adult toddlers running around barking their entitlement all over the place. The world is in a healing phase now- time to work on the baggage, let it go, go within and be a better person. Kindness exists yet where has it gone these days?
Thank you for your thoughts. Reminded me that the person I say “fuck you” to the most is myself. I need to remember to throw in some more “Thank yous” in there. I wouldn’t be who I am without the integrated experience.
I hadn’t even considered! We reflect inward in this same exact way—viewing ourselves as all good or all bad. Brilliant to see this as a reminder to balance out the “fuck yous” with gratitude. 🔥❤️🙏🏼
It's such a skill and a practice to hold multiple truths at once. Something that evades so many. An uncomfortable messy thing to sit with but life is unrelenting in reminding us about it. Loved reading your take on this integration.
I couldn’t agree more. I feel with the rise of algorithms we are witnessing the death of nuance. Making it all the more important we continue bringing it back into the light, stressing its importance to navigating the complexities of the human experience. Thank you for the kind words! I appreciate you being here. ❤️🙏🏼
Love this Ryan.. And enjoyed hearing it in your voice this time. Definitely adds something to your medicine. I'm curious - I feel I can hold two truths well in myself, yet I'm not practiced at sharing both in a relationship. At least not as clearly as you expressed here. Have you tried expressing in these terms with someone close to you? And if so, What was the response?
Honestly, I think being able to hold both within yourself is really the biggest step. Communicating it to someone close to you requires a fair amount of trust and establishing of expectations beforehand. In my relationship with my wife we’ve had explicit conversations about honoring “yes, and.” Like, yes I can be empathetic in your situation to what led you to act in the way you did, AND I’m still hurt by it. Setting up those communication norms allowed for the harder conversation to be more well received when it comes time.
Mmmm... That makes sense having the conversation before the conversation. I have done this in the past for things like getting used to expressing things like anger or asking for space when triggered etc.. Thank you for sharing this 🙏
Always amazed at how these pieces find me just when I need them. This was articulated so clearly and precisely. So beautiful and liberating to recognize how we can hold both of these things at once. It accounts for how we are innately contradicting, messy, and complex creatures. There is freedom in that, not imprisonment. It helps me move away from me or anyone else being “the sole villain” or “the sole sufferer.” To be able to hold multiple things at once, painful and beautiful memories, love and anger, forgiveness and resentment—this is one of the most difficult journeys we embark on as humans as we grieve, and move forward with the people and experiences that have shaped us. Instead of searching for answers by pointing fingers, here or there—I look to these words and I’m able to sigh. I’m reminded I am human. And I am amazed at how much I forget that. I feel so seen. Thank you for these beautiful words. They are unexplainably relieving in my journey of healing.
This all makes my heart so happy. You absolutely nailed it—the depth, the complexity, the beauty, and the pain in holding two opposing truths. I couldn’t be more grateful that you’re hear or that this piece brought you so much clarity. ❤️🙏🏼
Makes so much sense, yet it is considered a 'old way' of thinking. This is the reason why relationship lasted as long as they did back then. Sadly, just as mentioned, with all the 'new' philosophy through social media, etc. it is not being implemented or taught, and we do not seem to recognize that some of the 'old' stuff we have to hold on to. I find it interesting how as a society we claim we care about everyone yet we don't use the tolls that are actually required to do so.
Yeah I think we as a society have just really been rewired through sensationalism from news and social media. Nuance and cognitive dissonance don’t sell, so we are exposed to nothing but extremes and in the time the art of discernment and seeing the world as complex and nuanced fades away.
Agree, it appears that young people truly missing out on something special, and don't even know, all in the name of progress.
I have faith that the pendulum is starting to swing back the other way. People are starting to understand what got us here. Students are beginning to see how lonely a world has been created from the constant integration of phones and technology. It will be a painfully slow return, but I’m hopeful that’s the path we’re heading down at least.
I share that faith and hope!
Every time I read this, I think “Bravo.” 👏🏻
I know I keep saying that, but the resonating still hasn’t stopped.
Haha I truly couldn’t be more honored to have my words move you that much. ❤️🙏🏼
I thoroughly enjoyed this article. Nicely done
Thank you! ❤️🙏🏼
Fuck...this is EXACTLY what I was contemplating and about to write about. Holding two things at once. Excitement and Overwhelm in a time of massive shift.
And I'm just now discovering Ted Lasso and binge-watching it while processing the loss of a dream of a relationship that seemed to hold all within it. I haven't yet reached this episode, and I imagine that something will happen that I will watch it today...
Thank you so much for voicing this and letting go of the fucking goal of collecting fucking golden stars. EXACTLY what I'm doing, being, and whatever the fuck I'm doing right now.
I love this! And please do still write that piece about holding two things at once! The world fucking needs every teacher they can get highlighting the power of Both/And. We are living in a world absolutely deprived of nuance and need people like you leading the charge in showing there is a better way. ❤️🙏🏼
Onward! Here it is! https://uncomplicatedloveletters.substack.com/p/holding-two-things-at-once?r=593rpp&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web
Thank you. This piece is fantastic.
Fuck you. Well—I don’t know you well enough… yet.
I think you’re pointing at something deeper than a mindset. This is closer to a practice.
A therapist once told me: replace “but” with “and.”
“I’m happy to be with you AND I don’t like what you’re doing.”
F. Scott Fitzgerald said it more broadly:
“The test of a first-rate intelligence is the ability to hold two opposed ideas in the mind at the same time and still retain the ability to function.”
What makes that intelligence integrative—as you put it, “a place of wholeness rather than fragmentation”—is action.
Ted Lasso didn’t just think it.
He said it.
To his mother.
That’s what makes it real.
And because she met him there, they both became more integrated in that moment.
That’s rare. Most people stop at thinking. That’s where fragmentation stays.
This was such a useful message. It language to some seemingly oxi-moronic experiences in my life, where it can't exactly say that is was bad or good because it was both, all mixed together. I appreciate this message.
Yeah, I think there is so much power in being able to hold both. I went through an incredibly painful divorce in 2018, and while so many aspects of it were absolutely miserable…it is also probably the single greatest inflection point in my life. It led to SO much freakin’ good. And I’m forever grateful. Life is weird like that. 🙃
It really is....
Needed this perspective. I've always been trying to label my relationships with my family and friends. Turns out it's okay to carry, as you said, both gratitude and fury.
That can be a heavy weight to burden. Because there is good and bad in almost every relationship. I’ve been wrestling with the exact tension for years with a close friend, there is both big anger and resentment, and eternal gratitude for what we had. It doesn’t solve the problem, but it allows us to approach it from a place of wholeness. ❤️🙏🏼
This is so true. We’ve all been the hero and the villain in someone’s story. Everyone will wound their kids, no matter how hard they try. That manager may have made you the best salesperson ever, and still been a creep. People, life, is multifaceted.
Wonderful piece.
Well said! And thank you! 😊🙏🏼
🤣🤣💯
Are you speaking to the part of yourself that carried unresolved love and pain simultaneously? And how do you hold the space where appreciation and resistance sit together, without collapsing into one or overriding the other?
Absolutely. The absolute gut wrenching painful seasons I’ve endured became the single most important inflection points in my life. Without that pain I would never be the person I am today.
You hold both through gratitude and curiosity. Bringing an awareness of where you’ve been alongside your desires for where you wish to be.
So spot on! I would love to say this to every asshole I have had the displeasure of working for. Although I may lean towards the fuck you mostly if I am being honest. The abuse that goes on in the workplace is akin to the abuse some of us had growing up with disengaged, absent and/or narcissistic parents and caregivers. Everyone brings their wounded child to work and it's a shit show of adult toddlers running around barking their entitlement all over the place. The world is in a healing phase now- time to work on the baggage, let it go, go within and be a better person. Kindness exists yet where has it gone these days?
We become who we become because of every asshole and every kind hearted soul along the way. For better or for worse. So glad it resonated!🙏🏼❤️
Thank you for your thoughts. Reminded me that the person I say “fuck you” to the most is myself. I need to remember to throw in some more “Thank yous” in there. I wouldn’t be who I am without the integrated experience.
Wow—what a profound perspective
I hadn’t even considered! We reflect inward in this same exact way—viewing ourselves as all good or all bad. Brilliant to see this as a reminder to balance out the “fuck yous” with gratitude. 🔥❤️🙏🏼
It's such a skill and a practice to hold multiple truths at once. Something that evades so many. An uncomfortable messy thing to sit with but life is unrelenting in reminding us about it. Loved reading your take on this integration.
I couldn’t agree more. I feel with the rise of algorithms we are witnessing the death of nuance. Making it all the more important we continue bringing it back into the light, stressing its importance to navigating the complexities of the human experience. Thank you for the kind words! I appreciate you being here. ❤️🙏🏼
Love this Ryan.. And enjoyed hearing it in your voice this time. Definitely adds something to your medicine. I'm curious - I feel I can hold two truths well in myself, yet I'm not practiced at sharing both in a relationship. At least not as clearly as you expressed here. Have you tried expressing in these terms with someone close to you? And if so, What was the response?
Honestly, I think being able to hold both within yourself is really the biggest step. Communicating it to someone close to you requires a fair amount of trust and establishing of expectations beforehand. In my relationship with my wife we’ve had explicit conversations about honoring “yes, and.” Like, yes I can be empathetic in your situation to what led you to act in the way you did, AND I’m still hurt by it. Setting up those communication norms allowed for the harder conversation to be more well received when it comes time.
Mmmm... That makes sense having the conversation before the conversation. I have done this in the past for things like getting used to expressing things like anger or asking for space when triggered etc.. Thank you for sharing this 🙏
Absolutely! Hope it works out if you’re doing it anytime soon. 🙏🏼
This is what integrative intelligence looks like. It’s the rare ability to hold multiple truths at once, even when they seem to contradict each other.
❤️❤️❤️
Always amazed at how these pieces find me just when I need them. This was articulated so clearly and precisely. So beautiful and liberating to recognize how we can hold both of these things at once. It accounts for how we are innately contradicting, messy, and complex creatures. There is freedom in that, not imprisonment. It helps me move away from me or anyone else being “the sole villain” or “the sole sufferer.” To be able to hold multiple things at once, painful and beautiful memories, love and anger, forgiveness and resentment—this is one of the most difficult journeys we embark on as humans as we grieve, and move forward with the people and experiences that have shaped us. Instead of searching for answers by pointing fingers, here or there—I look to these words and I’m able to sigh. I’m reminded I am human. And I am amazed at how much I forget that. I feel so seen. Thank you for these beautiful words. They are unexplainably relieving in my journey of healing.
This all makes my heart so happy. You absolutely nailed it—the depth, the complexity, the beauty, and the pain in holding two opposing truths. I couldn’t be more grateful that you’re hear or that this piece brought you so much clarity. ❤️🙏🏼